A couple of posts at
The Volokh Conspiracy that I found interesting especially after last night's discussions with Brian, Trini, and Kate. First, from a friend of
Prof. Volokh's:
I think almost any man can be sexy, can become a good flirt, can learn to attract women, if he is truly willing to. Like most social skills, the general principles aren't that mysterious, and are quantifiable if you pay attention.
But most men don't really want to be sexy; they want sexy to be them. I don't mean to man-bash, men are one of my favorite genders, but it's such a waste of resources. Like you, I know tons of great women. They're (list of all the good adjectives), and people want to be around them.
I think it's particularly true that most men can learn to be sexy, since women are more forgiving about looks, which are less changeable . . . . Maybe it's easier for women to cultivate appeal, since we're sort of more raised with the idea of adapting ourselves, rather than just "being," but men can do it.
And I know a fair number of (good adjectives) single men, but [it's generally] also clear why they're single. They don't listen, and won't; they won't get a real job; they're boring but don't want to acknowlege it or do anything about it. Hey, if that shirt was "in" when they were in high school, no need to see if any ads/mannequins/humans under 60 wear it today.
I don't have a single female friend who hasn't asked herself, "What am I doing wrong?" and been totally open -- often too open, in a self-blame-y way -- to the answer, and to changing the answer, often with great success. But I almost never find that men ask that question, or are even willing to hear the answer, let alone do anything about it. Instead, single men in my experience behave as if the only life possibilities are being the way they are, or acting. The idea of growth and change don't make the radar.
Of course some men welcome growth and change. But those men grew and changed, or were pretty cool to start with, and are usually -- not always, but usually -- hooked up. . . .
A former student responded:
As a man who is intimately concerned with what makes a man sexy, I can say that your friend Marilyn got it only partially right. Yes, boorish manners and a bad shirt can completely remove a man from the running. Yes, attention to the civilities of the day can give even the most aesthetically challenged man a shot at scoring a mate. . . .
[But] I find it is often a man's resoluteness in the face of what I shall call here adversity that makes him sexy. It is his adamantine surety of place as he strides into a room that makes him noticed. Were he to be engaged in the constant questioning of himself that Marilyn suggests, I reckon it might be more difficult for him to pull this off.
As an example, I offer what an observer of gay male culture might call the fetishization of the straight man. It is not that he, the straight man, is so much more attractive or well dressed than a gay man. Quite often the opposite is true, with the average gay man perhaps being better groomed and tailored than the average straight man. Rather it is the sheer *effortlessness* with which an attractive straight man can achieve his attractiveness that makes him sexy; his insouciance wins the day.
Gay men simply try too hard, often attempting to look perfect, which always fails and leaves him looking simply . . . false, stilted, fabricated. The straight man (the metrosexual and Marilyn's dream men aside) rarely goes to this length, and it is the imperfection in his appearance that gives it the veracity of the virile....
"[I]t is self-confidence that yields sex appeal, not constant self-awareness and adjustment."
Prof. Volokh writes:
Very interesting -- I hadn't thought of it this way; I suspect that many women's perspective, conscious or not, is much like the gay man's perspective that Geoffrey describes.
Of course, this means that one needs to adjust oneself so successfully that it looks like one isn't trying to adjust oneself at all. The same is probably true for women, at least in some measure: The best makeup is the makeup that's so good that it looks like you aren't wearing any makeup.
But naturally this sort of self-improvement is much harder than the self-improvement Marilyn originally wrote me about -- and the self-improvement she described might yield less payoff than one might at first think. So maybe the "I'll just be me" slobs she describes are (sometimes) being more rational than we gave them credit for being.
Enough analysis already, someone give me the conclusion, or a bright line rule at least, to resolve the issue of what to do to be a sexy man. Eh, whatever, I can always blame women for my failure to be a sexy man as
one puts it:
[T]he real source of male slovenliness: women. If women weren't so damn forgiving of slobbiness, if they weren't prepared to look for the diamond buried in the rough of a man's beer-belly, men might have to shape up a little. The only reason gay men are - on the whole - better turned out than straight men is because they have to appeal to other shallow, beauty-obsessed males to get laid, find a mate, etc. The corollary, of course, are lesbians. Now there are many glamorous lesbiterians, but even the most enthusiastic Sapphic-lover will have to concede that many are not exactly, shall we say, stylish. The reason? They don't have to be to attract other women; and since women find monogamy easier, they also slide into the I'm-married-so-what-the-hell-have-another-pretzel syndrome. When straight women really do insist on only dating hot guys, men will shape up. Until then, it's hopeless.
As Brian put it, "women are sucky."
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