ESSAY: How Not to Succeed in Law School.

From a section of the essay:

There are lots of fine law schools to choose from. For instance:

Harvard. Harvard is number one, as you can learn by asking anyone who went to Harvard. Or even if you don't ask. The only disadvantage of going to Harvard is that the graduation robes are the same color as Balls O' Fire Salmon Eggs.

Yale. Forget about Yale. It's so selective that no one ever goes there. If you find this statement doubtful, ask yourself this simple question: Do you personally know anyone who is going there now? Of course not. Oh, sure, there are lots of people who say that they went there in the past, now that it can't be verified. Don't you be fooled.

[*1683] Michigan. This is a good school, except the official school drink is Prestone. As each winter comes to an end, someone will have to remind you not to stare at that big yellow ball in the sky.

Chicago. Learn how many Chicago law professors it takes to screw in a light bulb. (Answer: None. The market will take care of it itself.)

Boalt Hall (Berserkeley). Boalt is built on a hill overlooking one of the most spectacular views on earth: the San Francisco Bay and the Golden Gate Bridge. Therefore, they naturally designed the building so that all its huge picture windows face directly into the fraternity houses across the street. You can't catch a glimpse of the Bay, but you do have a terrific view of fraternity blobs sitting around in their gym shorts, drinking beer, belching, and listening to the music of Twisted Sister at 300 decibels. Oh well.

Columbia. On the front of the law school building at Columbia, you will notice a huge sculpture of a man who has put a noose around the neck of a horse and is throttling it to death. You will not be able to understand the true significance of this sculpture until several days into your first year at Columbia.

Northwestern. Northwestern deliberately charges the highest tuition, on the theory -- called the "Ray-Ban Theory" -- that people will note the price tag and conclude that it must be the best school. Its goal is that eventually people will refer to Harvard as "the Northwestern of the Northeast."

Other Top Ten Law Schools. There are about twenty-five schools in this category. Consult this week's AP and UPI polls.

The "Middle Group." The Middle Group includes all other accredited law schools. These schools actually teach the law.

About Two Thousand Unaccredited California Law Schools. For example: Frank and Morty's School of Law and Cosmetology of the Lower Level of the Seven Hills Shopping Mall. Don't let the classy name fool you. There are basically two requirements for admission to this institution:

1. A pulse, and

2. $ 12,000.


The first requirement can be waived.

Be sure to avoid law schools with "Jr." in the name, such as "Leland Stanford, Jr. Law School." These are actually junior law schools.